I know I should be writing my paper
This paper isn't working. It just isn't flowing, usually I see the whole picture by now and the words hit the page before I even realize it. Here, every word is a struggle, every sentence an accomplishment and then I usually erase it. I think I am trying to hard, but I can't seem to destress when it comes to this simple paper.
This isn't helping my already blah mood. It is not a horribly blah mood, I think it would be a wonderful mood actually, if it weren't for this paper and all the other stuff that I am trying to figure out in my life. And it isn't like I want the stress to go away, I need to get this stuff done, I need to move on with my life and I need to plan for all the changes that should be taking place in the next few months. I just have to learn how to keep the stress from scraping away at my pleasant mood.
I hate waiting, I used to be extremely impatient, HASC taught me patience. Now I can deal with other people keeping me waiting or with other people not doing what I want them to do. I can even deal with unexpected changes and frustrations in life. What I am totally impatient with is wanting to know the path my life will take. How come I have patience for everyone but Hashem, does this make sense? I think not. I just want to know who he is and what he is doing with his life. I want to know where I will be working and living in a few months. I want to know if I will love Ny or hate it.
I know I ask for to much, I do not feel I have a right to these answers but I do crave them still. I want so much and so deeply that sometimes I wish that we were given things based on how much we desired them, but that is a foolish and dangerous wish.
I am happy. I love this time of year and I love that I have so much ahead of me. I love the fact that I have freedom and the resources to enjoy this freedom (ok, so I am a little short on cash, but hopefully a job will fix that). I love that I still love me and my life even when I am frustrated with aspects of both. I love how far I have come, I love the adventure that will take me to where I am heading.
Yet I ruin it all by getting hung up on the things that I don't love. I ruin it by being hung up on the wait.
This isn't helping my already blah mood. It is not a horribly blah mood, I think it would be a wonderful mood actually, if it weren't for this paper and all the other stuff that I am trying to figure out in my life. And it isn't like I want the stress to go away, I need to get this stuff done, I need to move on with my life and I need to plan for all the changes that should be taking place in the next few months. I just have to learn how to keep the stress from scraping away at my pleasant mood.
I hate waiting, I used to be extremely impatient, HASC taught me patience. Now I can deal with other people keeping me waiting or with other people not doing what I want them to do. I can even deal with unexpected changes and frustrations in life. What I am totally impatient with is wanting to know the path my life will take. How come I have patience for everyone but Hashem, does this make sense? I think not. I just want to know who he is and what he is doing with his life. I want to know where I will be working and living in a few months. I want to know if I will love Ny or hate it.
I know I ask for to much, I do not feel I have a right to these answers but I do crave them still. I want so much and so deeply that sometimes I wish that we were given things based on how much we desired them, but that is a foolish and dangerous wish.
I am happy. I love this time of year and I love that I have so much ahead of me. I love the fact that I have freedom and the resources to enjoy this freedom (ok, so I am a little short on cash, but hopefully a job will fix that). I love that I still love me and my life even when I am frustrated with aspects of both. I love how far I have come, I love the adventure that will take me to where I am heading.
Yet I ruin it all by getting hung up on the things that I don't love. I ruin it by being hung up on the wait.
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