I am scared

I know no one reads this anymore so I feel like I let you know. I am scared. I may be scared for nothing but I may actually have something to fear and that thought alone has me scared beyond belief.I can't imagine living with this type of fear everyday. I hope that is a short term deal and that I will once again be living fearless very soon. I dont know which i fear more death or disease but I dont want to examine my fears further. I hope I can sleep dreamlessly tonight and all other nights before this is resolved. I would hate to be haunted by my fears all night long.

Why don't I write anymore?

The last few guys I have dated have asked me if I still write and I always say I don't have the time. I am starting to think that I may just be filling my time with useless endeavours and leaving my craft to mold. Now on the eve of a new era, as I move to a new career, as I embrace the ch ages that I have made in my life, I am writing. That is all I have for now but I hope my newly balanced life will allow for new creative expression.

What does it take to start blogging again?

Not much I guess. My roommate will yell at me but no it was not the diet coke that is keeping me awake. It is the inspiration to write again. Work is crazy (did I even blog that I work, I don't remember where I left y'all), it eats up all my daytime hours. When I am not at work I am cooking up ways to make my program better, drowning out the constant worries that I forgot to fill something out or send something in. I love it but it is all encompassing and some times late at night I need to come up for air. I just read a blog that years ago would have gotten me all up in arms. I would have ranted and raved and rambled (because that is what I did). Now, I just feel the urge to write about absolutely nothing (same thing right?).
We'll lets catch you up (all one reader out there)
I am still working the same job with more perks (and by perks I mean longer hours).
I have four adorable nephews ( who lovingly call me tanta wacko) and one beautiful niece (who doesn't speak yet, give her a month).
I still live in the city and still love my commute (quality solitaire playing time).
I am blonder and bolder (is that possible) but still battling the same demons.
In other words not much has changed.
Though, I am happy, very happy. Even when I hate all men and most women I am content with my life and my goals, long and short term.
Yet at the moment I am just tired.
Good night y'all, don't know if this means I am coming back but who knows....

Alone

Sometimes I feel alone in the world.

Moving on

hey y'all just popping in for a few moments. Life is B"H good (even if I say otherwise at moments). I just moved out of Brooklyn (after talking about it for far too long) and am now residing in Washington Heights (for all of three days). I need an air conditioner in my window (have the AC but not the know how to put it in) but otherwise life is dandy. Leave me a note and maybe I will find the energy to start entertaining y'all again. Oh and btw don't buy HP they're service sucks.

Me

Sometimes I feel that if I stand still I will disappear. I know what it feels like to be invisible. There were times in my life that I wondered how someone of my stature could be invisible, could fade in to nothing like a breeze you barely register. Soon I learned it was easy to disappear. See people notice people that they feel can be a part of there life. If we noticed everyone we would be to preoccupied to live. So we filter out those who we don't feel will impact us, or really people who don't have an impact on us. I was invisible, I could have been the only person in the room and a passer by would have sworn the room was vacant. That was me, and I hated it.
So I became visible, not by becoming appealing but by becoming bigger then life. I started talking louder, wearing bigger jewelry, I started taking center stage. Being the person that is just always there. I kept it subtle (if one can even use that term in this context), I kept it polite, but I was not to be ignored. Forgotten, yes maybe, but not ignored.

Here all these years later (ok maybe five), where has it gotten me. Yes people know me, people feel comfortable in my presence. Yes, I can throw a great party and introduce you to interesting and pleasant people. People who are not invisible, people who you can see impacting your life.
So here I stand in the middle of it all, alone again. Not invisible, yet not seen completely. Kind of like a blur in your peripheral vision while you zone in on someone else.
Do I want to be invisible again?
No, I just want to be seen for once. For me.

Guys should be seen and not heard.