A fit of passionate dislike

Disclaimer: I hate the word hate, but this is what I was feeling (maybe not hate but passionatly dislike isn't poetic). I am not sharing this so that you can all send me virtual hugs or words of sympathy. I am sharing this because I know I am not alone and that I am not the only one with these emotions at random moments in thier lives. On this blog, I share my unexplainable feelings of joy and sometimes my unexplainable feelings of sadness. I feel deeply, this is my writer's curse and blessing.

Untitled

I hate the games

I hate the hope that dies so quickly
I hate the hating myself and feeling inadequate
I hate the wanting and the waiting
I hate the jealousy that I try not to feel
I hate the “I wish I knew some one for you”s
I hate the “don't worry you will look back and laugh”s
I hate the “oh, I feel so bad for you”s
I hate the feeling that maybe if I lost weight I would be married
I hate the fact that my parents think every guy on earth is marriage material but won't help me find the guy that really is
I hate the fact that shadchanim gave up on me
I hate the awkward singles events that I went to and might go to in the future
I hate the lack of singles events in Baltimore
I hate the wishing that some guy would just show up and sweep me off my feet
I hate that it hurts me to be so left behind
I hate that I feel so left behind
I hate dating
I hate not dating
I hate the sympathy
I hate the obsession
I hate the endless list of possibilities that never end up working out
I hate the advice not asked for
I hate the assumptions
I hate hearing how wonderful I am
I hate hearing how much I have to work on
Yet most of all I hate the hating