Getting Sick and Getting Caught

Once again I got sick last week. This time I was holed up in bed (with fever) for a good three and a half days, which resulted in me missing four days of work. It was not fun, but B"H it is over and I hope that that fills my quota for being sick this year (since I was sick more in the last month than I have been in the last three years).

Because of my illness I was not able to go online all week (since my computer is still in limbo, but they ordered me a new one which I should get the week after next), when I did indeed check my mail (on friday) I found that some one had found a blog entry that I had written many months ago and did not feel that it reflected well on a program that they ran and since when you typed in the name of the program this entry came up. So I took it down and explained that no harm was meant (as it wasn't). But now I see how you have to be so careful about what you write on these things, they can come back and haunt you. Don't worry I am not closing shop, I will just have to be more careful when referencing things and remember never to write about work, cause well I would like to keep my job.

Anyway, I was in baltimore for shabbos (still am actually) recouping from my annoying virus. It was nice and quite and I got to sleep in my old bed (which I miss a lot when I am in NY) and just hang with my parents and my sister and nephews (actually the ones from NY the Baltimore sister is away for shabbos).

strangely, I just noticed that I have been checking only simchas abnormally. Like a lot more often then I ever did before, in search of I am not sure what. Maybe I think that if I look hard enough or check enough times I will find myself on there with some guy and be like oh ok, I found him, see onlysimchas does not lie. Well I guess life doesn't happen like that. Some one said to me today "I really don't know how this whole thing works, like you really find someone who you like and they like you and then you get engaged, hmm, still not getting it." I must say I have to agree, it is still a foreign concept to me, one day I will explain it to myself I am sure.

Guys no one has been commenting, I hope I did not scare you all away, or maybe you are all getting back to real life as the summer ebbs away. Enjoy every last second, oh and leave me a message.

Laying awake

Last night I had the best blog. As I lay in bed waiting for sleep to envelop me (it ended up being a long wait), I blogged in my head, it sounded good, it was classy and eloquent (even if it lacked commas and other random punctuation). Alas, sleep took my blog as it claimed me around two in the morning. My teacher said since good ideas come as dreams do, you should keep a pad of paper next to your bed, for me that would not be such a good thing. Because once an idea hits paper it doesn't move, it can no longer be put on line. It can no longer be shared, it must remain in ink and paper on my night table and then the back of my shelf and one day in a bag of things to be discarded.
Once again I ramble.
I had a peaceful shabbos and a relaxing sunday. I actually went shopping today and did not buy anything (a great achievement since I promised myself I will not buy anything until I lose weight). I did watch a cute movie though, actually it was rather mindless but I needed that. I went with a friend so I was able to whisper my own commentary through out the film. Oh and I got a makeover at Shephora's my favorite store ever. That always lifts my spirits.
Update on the computer: It is MIA, yes fedex lost it, so well I might get it one of these years.
Have yourselves a wonderful week, children.

Sick again

No I have not been on vacation, I have been sick instead. Nothing to crazy but annoying none the less. Last night I was stuck in bed and a good friend of mine brought me chicken soup, how sweet is that, I called her up to see if she could pick me some up since I did not have the energy to go out and get my own, so she decided to make me some, it was delicious and so sweet of her.
I love the weather, it is August and amazingly beautiful outside. Hope it only gets better. Don't have much time to write, I lost a lot of time getting stuck in bed all day yesterday. So have a great day children.
Oh and I still dont' have a computer it is so annoying.
Gotta go nag them.

Fire escapes

I find fire escapes very romantic, my friend thinks I am crazy (and that they are uncomfortable-what that has to do with anything I am not sure) but I find them very cool. Especailly the ones with the decrotive iron on old fashioned apartment buildings. Which reminds me of another think I love, old apartment buildings. Especially the ones with drapes in the window, that move in the breeze. There is something so old fashioned and simple about drapes blowing out an open window. Call me crazy but this is one of the reasons I love Manhattan. I love the old and the new next to each other. I love the little cafes, and the corner stores. I love the starbucks and the gaps on every corner. I love time square and the upper west side, the lower east side and soho. I love skyscrapers and brownstones. I love wandering around the streets that you really can't get lost in. The city is so full of attitude and charm. Noisy streets and quite corners.
side note: I am getting my laptop tomorrow, yay.

Back to life as we know it

To me it is so funny how life moves on even when you feel like it is standing still. The summer is drifting by as I scramble to make summer plans which I doubt will ever happen. I am at peace with this for I feel that it means that my life is comfortable and enjoyable as it passes as only happy moments can, quickly. I am coming to terms with myself a battle that I have been waging and fighting my whole life. It is a slow process but I am starting to like myself as a whole, enjoying even the annoying parts or at least accepting them. I am trying to keep my eye on my goals but I am also giving myself room to breathe. I am learning to breathe, the right way. I am learning that breath can cure so many things. No I have not fallen off the deep end, I am still as zany and dreamy as ever. I am still practical and cynical. I am cautious and nervous and a jumble of many other emotions and feelings. But that is ok (most of the time). Wow, I sound like a psyc ward patient. I am sorry if I am coming off as a few marbles short but I really think that coming to terms with yourself is something that is so underrated. There are a lot of parts of mental health (even for us normal people) that is not given its importance. Every one has struggles (I know most people share them with me minutes after meeting me), we all have demons but I don't think that we all deal with them. We deny them, we think if we admit them we will be admitting that we are not perfect, that we are abnormal. We think if we grapple to long with them, people will find out and brand us. So we all live within ourselves and build wall around our minds and hearts and our problems. We repress and we conceal but we don't try and deal. Then we move on perhaps letting some one passed our defences but usually not, usually we only let people half way throught the door then we put the gate up. Even people close to us, parents (cause they would not understand), siblings (because they have their own lives to live), spouses (because they would not love us if they knew us totally) and children (because they would think us weak and not respect us) do not get all the way in (most of the time). And we let our demons wallow with in us until we either break or let them become us, blaming human nature or frustration. This is a real issue...
And I don't remember how this rant started, but I have to run so I will try to muddle through my words and finish this later.