So scared

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in a while. She filled me in on her life over the past few months and I was shocked to find out that she just ended a two month relationship (hey in the frum world that is big). I was not shocked that she had the relationship or that she did not tell me about it. I was shocked at why she ended it. She said she knew he was the one, until all of the sudden he changed. He became pushy and controlling in a matter of days. B"H, she took this as a sign and got out of the relationship. She says she cries every time she thinks that she could have married him before he showed his true colors and you know what I know that kind of fear. Even if I have never dated anyone like this, I know how it feels to have that danger hanging over my head. We all do, we have heard the stories, we have seen the divorces. I would be lying if I said I didn't fear abuse, that I don't fear marrying someone who is hiding something from me. I know that there is some amazing guy picked out for me (I have to believe that) and yet I fear ending up in an abuse, or just failed marriage. I come from a long line of happy marriages (my great grandparents were married 72 years when my great grandfather passed away). I grew up surrounded by loving couples, people who were in real but beautiful relationships. Yet the fear lingers and it will until prince charming (through and through) sweeps me off my feet, and shows me that one can live happily ever after even a week after the fairy tale ending.

Tanta Dis

Tanta Dis (or this), as I am so fondly referred to, is requested at Ephriam's house of shabbos. And I do hope that I will make it, I mean how can one turn down such an offer. I truly believe that nephews (and perhaps nieces) are a special reward for some good deed. So I must have done something right. Today was a day I could live again, the weather was beautiful, I shared in a simcha and got to hang with my Avi.
As the fall surrounds us and reminds us of the winter to come, I find myself hanging on to each drop of sunlight, drinking it in for the dark months that are on their way. Yesterday, I watched some kids playing in the leaves that now litter the ground in great piles. It was like a scene in a movie, the leaves flying, the kids smiling and yelling and the sun setting. I love the snapshots the fall leaves imprinted in my head. Don't ask what is bringing on this sappy side of me, cause I don't have a good answer. Though it could have been the letter in the Friday mail, telling me that I will be graduating Dec 23 (just in time for the holidays), who knows, but I don't second guess wonderful emotions, it isn't worth it.
I am so excited for next Sunday, for not only is it my birthday but also my chani's bas mitzvah (as I have mentioned about 100 times) which means another excuse to visit Ny and my campers. What more could a girl ask for on her birthday. Well, actually I wouldn't mind diamonds, but I will settle for a smile from my girls (for now that is). Ok, here is the question of the week, do I keep my hair curly or straighten it for the Bas Mitzvah? Think about it and leave the answer in your message.

La, La, La

You know what I am talking about, don't pretend otherwise.

Did you know?

Did you know that there are support websites for girls with anorexia. I learned about this in my annoying paper class, another girl is writing about it. She pointed out although other such evils of the Internet world are publicized this one is not so known. I happen to agree, s ince I only learned about it yesterday. On these sites girls share tips and compete to see who can lose the most weight. A once isolating disorder has turned into a competion and elite group. She pointed out that they idolize thin actresses and models, no not the actresses who wear a size six mind you. No the ones that are themselves anorexic. I believe (and I said this in class) that if the media can tell us what is beautiful, they have a responsibility to tell us the affects of such beauty. Anorexia kills more people then any other mental disorder, yet it is glorified in popular culture. The one guy in the class (it is a group of four, two girls and two boys-but one was absent) said that he personally does not find anorexic girls attractive (or really thin ones for that matter) but that he has lots of friends who do. I personally don't see the beauty in someone who is half starved but I also don't think that it is just some guys idea of beauty that is driving this disease. Some times it starts with a "You know you could lose some weight". Other times it begins with feelings of rejection, a need for control or a need to punish your body. A Rabbi once spoke about this in camp, well at least anorexia in the frum world. His take was that it was not always the boys but sometimes their mothers who wanted their son's to marry the best, prettiest thinnest girls. Yet he still linked the frum dating world and anorexia, and you know what as much as I think it has some part in the problem, I doubt it is the main issue. I really don' t know what compelled me to write this, I think I just had to muddle through my thoughts by putting them in to words. Anorexia is always one of those things that haunted me because it popped up so many different times in my life. A friend in high school, a friend in seminary, a mother of a friend, a friend of the family. It surrounds us and still it is often dismissed and filed away as an unimportant issue.

It will get done

For all those who are worried. I started the rough draft of one of my papers tonight. This I might add goes against everything I believe in. I mean who starts writing a rough draft a week before it is due. Sheesh, what is this world coming to.

Looking through someone else's eyes

I finally got the go ahead to write a paper (for that annoying class that I joined two weeks ago) about Autistic children from a unique angle. I am going to attempt to get in to the head of my camper (who is severely autistic) and try to understand how she views the world (for more on her read my blogs from this summer). What is her reality? I can't wait. I have been doing a lot of reading up on Autism and I have even read some books written by Autistic people. It is a fascinating topic and I could not figure out how to mold it into a paper. After two weeks of banging my head against the wall and driving people crazy I came up with this new approach and now I have to go try and put it together. To be honest thought I am very scared. Because I know this can be a powerful, emotional piece if I pull it off and it can be just another college essay if I don't. Got to go back to working on it (and my other paper on Nonverbal communication-another fascinating topic) but I just wanted to share, don't ask me why. Ok, shoo go back to your own lives now. But don't forget to leave a message on the way out.

To my fav Nephews- all three of you,

La, la, la, la,
La, la, la,la
Elmo's World.
You got it stuck in my head and now I find myself humming it as I walk to class, while I am doing my homework and other random times through out the day. But I love you all so I will keep on humming...

Enjoy

I thought you could use a change.

Happy Birthday To Me

As the sunsets my hebrew birthday begins. Hashem has blessed me with 23 wonderful years so far and for that I am very thankful. Can't wait to see how year 24 plays out, I'll keep you posted.

If you only had three words.

This shabbos I got in to an interesting conversation with my dear twin sister. She told me that people don't see me as fun, not in a bad way but if she were to describe me fun would not be one of the words she would choose. Now I am not going to go on an ego trip and share with you the words she picked out but I will say that although they were sweet, they made me sound really boring. I don't know if I would date me if I heard such a description. So I went and asked my mother and she gave me another three adjectives which I think summed me up a little better but still no fun, no friendly, not even outgoing. I guess this isn't a bad thing but to me it is a little disappointing cause well some times I say I am friendly or fun and I never use the adjectives they used to describe myself. It defiantly was lesson though, that we often think of ourselves differently then others think of us.
During the same conversation with my twin we got in to the pretty debate. Here is my take on the "Is she pretty?" question. I think it only sets you up for disaster. Why? Because no one can tell you if he/she is pretty cause they don't know what you find attractive. I am always scared that some shaddchan is going to say, yeah she is pretty and then the guy is going to have all these preconceived notions of what I am supposed to look like and be very disappointed when I don't measure up. Is there a possibility of this happening? Yes, because every one has different views of what pretty means, which is great. When you walk in with no expectations (which is why I never ask if he is good looking or not) then you are never disappointed (cause you always expect the worst, try it out it is true), ok so sometimes you are a little disappointed but it is nothing like being told he is hot and him being, well, not so good looking. I hate the question and I am sure most guys (and a bunch of girls) ask it. My question is why?

Just a side note

Read the post below first, they are more interesting trust me.
I just realized that I hate commas. I was just reading my last post and realized that I left out so many commas. Sorry children, you'll have to cope my copy editor is out of town for the weekend.

some day we'll know

I was just listening to an awesome mandy moore song (I know English music, sheesh one of my sinful vices). And I was thinking, this song (title is the title of the blog) is all about love or actually lost love and you know what I have never been in love (not a bad thing yet) and still I am moved by the song. Still, I feel like I can relate, can someone explain to me how this works. How can we adopt emotions that we have never experienced, like a form of grief when we hear a really sad story or song and other similar emotional experiences. How can I connect to the idea of a lost relationship when I have never been in a true relationship, the idea baffles me but still it happens every time.
While we are on the topic of my vices, I have to bring up another one (wow, hope no future sdjs are reading this, well what the heck they will have to know sooner or later. I love Rent, I know it is wrong and the whole play is evil but if you just listen to the music you will fall in love to. It is interesting cause I just learned that the creator of this masterpiece died the day before it previewed off Broadway. Soon after he was awarded the Pulitzer in drama for his play. Can you imagine for just a second working for something your whole life and it only being accomplished when you can no longer appreciate it. Thank goodness, we work towards something that can only be appreciated after death. That is all I have to say.
Oh, today was amazing, my class loved the work I have done so far on my paper (for the class I added late so that I can graduate on time) and that was awesome because I really felt like I had to prove myself and I was so scared that I would fall short and B"H I didn't, yay me.
Have a great shabbos everyone.

Sorry

I know I started this blog off with interesting ponderings of my mind. Now I just recount my crazy life. I am going to try and blog about some really interesting stuff, but don't hold your breath, I don't know how long it will take for inspiration to strike.
Here's a thought though:
Did you know that more powerful then words are the nonverbal signals you give off? This is what makes online writing and discussion so hard, you have to really work on conveying meaning using only the written word, not an easy task.

Life is moving along

I know, I know I haven't written in a while, Maybe I have a life that is not online. Just maybe, ok maybe not. Life has just been to crazy to write about. On Sunday, I was stood up for the first time in my shidduch career. Yes, it can happen, still haven't figured it out (something about him getting the dates wrong or thinking he called me, I don' t know what this guy is smoking but I got to get me some). Well there goes my list.
This week had been crazy work wise but I think I am almost on top of it, only time will tell. I have decided to give up dating until I graduate (a whole two months y'all), I just don' t have the emotional energy (or time) right now to deal with men (or boys for that matter). I have my campers bas mitzvah coming up (one trip to ny) and a shabbaton that I can't figure out if I am going on or not the week after. That should do it for my travel quota for this semester. So all you people who were thinking of setting me up with the most amazing guy (I know all of you were about to), sorry children you have to wait until I have time. Ok, if he is in baltimore, I will think about it, otherwise forget it.
To change the topic: My chani is being bas mitzvahed on my birthday how awesome is that, I can't wait, I am on a diet so that I can lose all the yom tov weight and look awesome at the bas mitvah (which should be a great reunion of HASC people). Ok, so I may not look awesome (in such short time) but I will look good enough, ok.
What else, hmmm... Wait let me think for a moment. Oh the adorable boys went home and now the house is nice and quite (but I miss the little guys). Oh, and I had some amazing revelation this afternoon that I wanted to write about but well it just slipped through the crevices in my brain.
Hmmm...when I remember it I will drop everything and run to the computer so I can share it with all of y'all. Hope you're having a less insane week then I am. TRW, I know yours was crazier and I don't know how you pulled it off. G Green I think your blog is awesome I just think it is funny that you can talk about dating when the person you are dating might be reading (you never know). I think only guys have the guts to do that, I personally do not, specially when too many of you know me in real life already. I am a wuss what can I say.
Count down till I join the Yeshivish Shelf (you know become an old maid). Less then a month children till I reach the big "Why isn't she married yet, must be something wrong with her" age. All I got to say is I am well preserved for my age, don't look a day over 20.

He's got a name

I tried to convince the little guy not to think about it as losing a part of him but instead as gaining an identity. He was not impressed, actually he was sleeping.

Wonderful craziness, or just plain craziness.

My nephew is absolutely the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. He is just so adorable, I can't even tell you. He is the image of his older brother (guess that means he doesn't get his charm from my side of the family) and just so precious. Don't want to make you nauseous or anything, so I will stop. Yom Tov was nice but a little to crazy for me. I think I picked up some autistic tendencies from my kids, as much as I love people and excuses to socialize, to much stimuli has me running for peace and quite (and open space). This yom tov was a little over stimulating. Random people dropping by, little kids wrecking the house, long treks across town (in heels mind you), bees, sleeping in hospital overnight chairs (which was fun but there was not much sleeping involved), oh and bad hair days. In other words, I need a break from crazy three day Yom Tovs. No more big meals and crowded home gatherings (did I mention the bris is on wed.), no more heels and no more straightening my hair (to late for heels). I could use a break, a Baltimore break. A running after campers and actually seeing people my own age break. And camp is so far away.
All this is just exacerbated by the fact that dating is terrible and finding a job is worse. Both tasks which I find myself pursuing at the moment (both with little luck). Here is my take on dating at the moment. No Baltimore boys want to date me (their loss) or if not that then know of my existence (also their loss), so I have to date long distance (in other words new Yorker), this is quite difficult when I am in school full time and work weekends and just took off a bunch for yom tov. Now this is what I know is going to happen. Just watch, I would bet money if I had it. I will move to NY in January (G-d willing) and I will be in the middle of unpacking my winter clothes when I will get a call from a long lost friend in Baltimore. "Hey I was just thinking" she will say." There is this guy I just dated who would be perfect for you and guess what he lives right here in Baltimore." Just watch y'all, it will happen, I can feel it in my bones.
On top of all of this, I just got in to a class midsemester that I need to graduate and I need a good paper topic for Thursday. One that lends itself to an easy 10 pages, is interesting and easy to research. Any ideas. Leave them with your wonderful comments. Till Later...

Mazel Tov

Mazel Tov, I have a new nephew. Born this morning, I am going to spend tonight with him in the hospital so my brother in law can sleep some (and go to shul). Details will follow. Can't wait to meet the new guy. Have a great Yom Tov.

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